用标点符号检验诗歌翻译

给一首没有标点的译文加上标点，仅仅根据译文，没有对照原文。目的是看看断句是否符合原诗以及断出来的是否合乎语法。这是句法分析。当年在复旦读研究生，有个老师开了一门课，叫做英美诗歌的语言学分析。我这个思路就是从那里来的。英美人写的诗，有的时候语言结构也是扑朔迷离的，只有通过句法分析，才能搞懂意思。但是无论怎么分析，我们总不能说人家本族语的写作存在语法问题。
中国人翻译中文的是成英文，就不好打这个保票了。 用语法分析检验译文是否说得通，是保证译文质量的一个手段。

例诗选自微信(附在后边）。原诗无标点。根据英文语感标点如下，标点以后对照原诗。评论夹在中间。原诗分为三大部分：



第一部分

What kind of admirable greeting

Can match the warmth of a heartbeat flowing in the air？

Is it your gazing after the fierce wind blowing

Which can make my fearful and mixed anxiety easy to bear

The long-awaited autumn rainfall？

Turning the falling colorful
leaves into an earthly shrine,

It’s your affectionate eyes in the mist of rain.

Through the muddiness, overpowers with a colourful shine.



对照原诗后，发现这里的断句不符合原文的意群。
应该在bear后面加句号。秋雨则是下面的主语。

1）用怎样一句倾心的问候/才可以温暖天空飘飞的心率/2）是不是狂风过后的凝望/能够抚慰丝丝惶恐且凌乱的忧绪

3）一场迟来的秋雨/夹杂着缤纷的陨落化为泥土/雨中，4）你深情的双眼/穿过泥泞，仍然闪烁着动人的彩溢



根据原文，做第二次断句：

Is it your gazing after the fierce wind blowing

Which can make my fearful and mixed anxiety easy to bear.

The long-awaited autumn rainfall

Turning the falling colorful leaves into an earthly shrine.)

在第二次断句里，有几个语法问题。第一，which 应该是
that. 第二，turning 应该是 turns，才合乎语法。

据前边的第二次断句，这里应该把 affectionate
eyes作为最后一行的主语。语法问题是，在overpowers 前边，应该加上 that.
自由诗没有音节的限制，加上能廓清句意的词还是要加。

第二部分

The bleak forest, with tall trees towering into clouds,

It's getting dark, and it’s becoming lonely before it turns cold.

A lovesickness, with a moment of hesitation,

Fascinated by a happy yet unpredictable story to unfold.

Love is a promise delivered

And there’s no regret for the ever-enduring affection.

When rain splatters on the fallen leaves,

It’s the tears of gratitude for the long-expected connection.

这里的第一次断句在意群上与原文是一致的。语法问题是，forest
没有谓语动词，只有一个伴随性介词词组起状语的作用。lovesickness，也没有谓语动词，而是用一个过去分词跟着，因此不成句子。

第三部分

With a ruler that spans time and space,

Measure the weight-worth of sunshine, life and happiness.

With a slightly juvenile rhetoric,

Flick away the traces of tears flowing in darkness.

Let the whisper in my thoughts spread.

Add a little indulgence to the autumn colors of arts.

Wind, eagerly awaits in the cool air,

Soon to knock on the door of love, lingering in our hearts.

  最后一部分的第一次断句也是符合原诗的意群的。语法问题是，awaits 应该是 awaiting. Soon to
knock on应该改成 Will soon knock at.



我一直主张中文诗歌翻译成英文的时候要注意语法。 古诗因为短小，还比较容易控制。新诗就不同了。 新诗的翻译很容易受汉语思维和语法影响。 可以读一读诗殿堂第八期里西尔维亚的诗，分析她的句子，不会有语法问题。她把一句分成很多短语自成一行，但是都合乎语法。



原诗及翻译如下



叩

诗/彧蛇



用怎样一句倾心的问候

才可以温暖天空飘飞的心率

是不是狂风过后的凝望

能够抚慰丝丝惶恐且凌乱的忧绪

一场迟来的秋雨

夹杂着缤纷的陨落化为泥土

雨中，你深情的双眼

穿过泥泞，仍然闪烁着动人的彩溢



萧瑟的森林，大树高耸入云

天色，在转凉之前也陷入一片孤寂

一份相思，此时踟蹰着

神往着一个朦胧而美好的结局

爱，是一封投递出的承诺

用无悔书写越发浓郁的眷恋

当雨滴落飘零的枫叶

那是泪水感恩这场久违的不期而遇



用跨越时空的尺子

丈量阳光、年华与幸福的厚重

以略带青涩的修辞

拂去漂浮于记忆中，泪的痕迹

让思念中的呢喃蔓延

给空寂的秋色增添一份不醒的沉醉

风，在凉爽的空气中拭目以待

期待叩响

敲开缠绵彼此心湖的爱意


Knocking

By Shadow Snake



What kind of admirable
greeting

Can match the warmth of a
heartbeat flowing in the air

Is it your gazing after the
fierce wind blowing

Which can make my fearful and
mixed anxiety easy to bear

The long-awaited autumn
rainfall

Turning the falling colorful
leaves into an earthly shrine

It’s your affectionate eyes in
the mist of rain

Through the muddiness,
overpowers with a colourful shine



The bleak forest, with tall
trees towering into clouds

It's getting dark, and it’s
becoming lonely before it turns cold

A lovesickness, with a moment
of hesitation

Fascinated by a happy yet
unpredictable story to unfold

Love is a promise
delivered

And there’s no regret for the
ever-enduring affection

When rain splatters on the
fallen leaves

It’s the tears of gratitude
for the long-expected connection



With a ruler that spans time
and space

Measure the weight-worth of
sunshine, life and happiness

With a slightly juvenile
rhetoric

Flick away the traces of tears
flowing in darkness

Let the whisper in my thoughts
spread

Add a little indulgence to the
autumn colors of arts

Wind, eagerly awaits in the
cool air

Soon to knock on the door of
love, lingering in our hearts

根据分析，我修改如下（这里我不管词语的选择和翻译的对错）

What kind of admirable greeting
Can match the warmth of a heartbeat flowing in the air
Is it your gazing after the fierce wind blowing
That makes my fearful and mixed anxiety easy to bear
The long-awaited autumn rainfall
Turns the falling colorful leaves into an earthly shrine
It’s your affectionate eyes in the mist of rain
Through the muddiness, that overpowers with a colourful shine

In the bleak forest, tall trees tower into clouds
It's getting dark, and becoming lonely before turning cold
A lovesickness, with a moment of hesitation
Is fascinated by a happy yet unpredictable story to unfold
Love is a promise delivered
And there’s no regret for the ever-enduring affection
The rain that splatters on the fallen leaves
Are tears of gratitude for the long-expected connection

With a ruler that spans time and space
Measure the weight-worth of sunshine, life and happiness
With a slightly juvenile rhetoric
Flick away the traces of tears flowing in darkness
Let the whisper in my thoughts spread
Add a little indulgence to the autumn colors of arts
Wind, eagerly awaiting in the cool air
Will soon knock at the door of love that lingers in our hearts